The Reopening of Desire

 

As I write this, I am battling between being scared and excited.  Reopening this desire will not be safe; it has the potential to cut deeply.  Do I want to be this vulnerable? No!  But I can't seem to shake the compelling feeling that I must do this.  Why?  Only God knows.  And He is the only reason I can take this leap of faith, for I believe. 

But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
 When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

Isaiah 43:1-3

 

At the age of 30, 40 years old looked so far away; surely I would not have to wait that long.  But here I am.  Once again, I stand at the door and knock.  Once again I face my infertility head on.  This was not my plan.  It was not my plan to be unable to bear a child, it was not my plan to have a baby at 40, and it was not my plan to reopen the desire for a child.

 

You see, years ago I found contentment and gave up asking.  But now, the desire is stirring...maybe for the last time...maybe at the right time.  I don't pretend to know the thoughts of God or what he may want to accomplish in or through me, but I can hear Him calling.  Will I listen and follow?

 

It appears my trip to Mayo Clinic has had an effect beyond my bowels; an effect that goes straight to my heart.  I am not entirely surprised by this, for Ephesians 3:20-21 tells us that God "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen".

 

At Mayo God gave me a gastroenterologist who herself had struggled to conceive.  In her ability to empathize she suggested we see a reproductive endocrinologist.  At this point I cried.  Though we are doing some testing to see what my fertility picture looks like "at my age", I do not anticipate them solving my problem.  What seeing her did do, was reopen the proverbial can of worms.  God used it to uncover what was hidden and to help me understand what He has done for me.

 

I am more confident than ever that the contentment I have and the joy I feel in my life is real.  How can I say this when I just admitted thinking about my desire for a child brought me to tears?  Am I in denial?  I do not believe so.  Contentment is defined as 1) the state of being contented; satisfaction and 2) A source of satisfaction.  Contentment is not the absence of pain or suffering. As Paul shares in Philippians 4:12-13, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength."  He was content even in hard times.  How?  Christ.  It is Christ who is the source of our contentment. 

 

Again in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 Paul says, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  This is what I was finally able to put into words.  Contentment is not the absence or denial of pain, but hoping and trusting in someone greater than my pain.  When Isaiah prophesied about our coming Messiah, Jesus, he described him as one who would bear our grief and carry our sorrows (Isaiah 53:4).  That is what He does for me and why I can live each day in joy, but return to the full grief and sorrow if I choose to pick it up again.

 

God also revealed the reasons I stopped asking for a miracle...and there are several.  The first being, that I wrongly thought to glorify God and show His contentment and victory in my life I had to stop asking and appear strong.  I now realize that the two are not exclusive.  Asking does not mean distrust and it is not my strength that glorifies Him, it is His strength in my weakness.  Everyday I get up and enjoy life while still admitting my desire, I prove His strength, faithfulness and will. 

 

I should have seen this before.  I love sunrises and sunsets, and God has graciously placed me in a home where I get to witness His glorious sunrises on a daily basis.  Let me ask you this, which sunrises are the most beautiful, those on a clear morning or those where the sky is scattered with clouds?  The ones with clouds!  So it is in life.  The most beautiful moments in our lives, the ones that glorify God the most, are not the easy, free of hardship ones, but the ones scattered with pain and sorrow that allow God's light to come shining through in an array of colors. 

 

Have you ever seen an old house in need of repair?  One that has been beaten down by time and weather or just neglect?  It doesn't look like much, but then someone comes along to restore it.  A person who sees potential and has the skills to accomplish the task.  When the restoration is complete, it is gorgeous!  Amazing!  God sees the same potential in us and his Holy Spirit enables the transformation, so that we too can be a beautiful work of art! 

 

On to reason number two.  I quit asking because of pride.  Ugh!  Do I have to admit this?  Yes, yes I do.  I had moved to a new town and those people didn't know.  I could just be me and not an object of pity.   That is right, I stopped asking because I was tired of being pitied or at least that is what I perceived it to be.  Even when people mean well, it doesn't always come across well (but that is a lesson for another time). 

 

Reason number three can be labeled fear, but it really piggybacks on pride.  I was afraid of being wrong and appearing foolish.  If I kept praying and asking and believing (I once was sure God told me not yet) and it never happened, how would that look?  Surely God's reputation would be tarnished!  Right?  Or was I more worried about mine?  Isn't it better to be a fool for God than a fool of my own making?

 

So what if I am wrong?  What if God doesn't answer?  Does the world stop spinning?  Does God cease to be God?  These are all questions I had to ask myself.  And the answer I came up with is that God is the same yesterday, today and forever.  He is love and He is wisdom.  I can trust Him.  And he has been lovingly showing me that He doesn't fit into my box.  As God told us through the prophet Isaiah, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord."(Isaiah 55:8)  We too often get upset at God because He isn't doing what we think He should be doing in our given circumstance.  The problem lies not in God, but in our perception.   We put God in a square box and then try and fit him into a triangle shaped circumstance.  It won't work!  We need to put God back on the throne and fit our circumstances to Him.

 

And lastly, I began to doubt.  I was no longer sure of what I wanted.  Life is good, why mess it up?  Satan loves to use the what ifs.  How could I be sure?  I can't.  I am no closer to knowing the future than when I began this journey 13 years ago, but I am closer to the One who does.  He recently heard my cry and answered me, giving me the hope I so desperately needed; letting me know that He cares for even me.  I feel Him asking me to focus less on the end and more on the journey; less on me and more on Him.  No matter life's joys or sorrows, he is Sovereign, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters." (Romans 8:28-29)

 

So, where does all this leave me?  In the best possible place...at the mercy of my God and Savior!  "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)  And I have this "treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." (2 Corinthians 4:7-10)

 

I press on to win the prize (Philippians 3:14) and offer my body as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1-2).  I keep thinking of Abraham and Sarah.  Nothing is too hard for God.  And so, I ask you to join me in believing and praying that God will heal my womb and bring forth a child and that many thanks will be given to Him.  But as my Lord taught with the example of his life, "yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)  I trust his wisdom and will accept His answer.  I can do this only because I am confident that His love is better than life and I will one day receive my reward, even as I walk in His presence now, through His Holy Spirit who enables me to stand on the heights.

 

 Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior. 

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

 

 

My Mayo Clinic Experience

About a month ago my husband, and I decided to take me to Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN.  The decision was really 20 years in the making.  Twenty years of dealing with an unruly gastrointestinal system, with pain and food intolerances increasing the last few.  Over the years, every time I would get fed up with "dealing" I would seek help from a doctor only to be told I had IBS and given a pill, such as Prilosec.  To which I would reply, "no thank you" and walk out discouraged once again.  At the end of September I had a severe episode of pain.  After nearly scaring my husband to death, he suggested we look into Mayo, after all, they are supposed to be the best.  If they can't find it, who can?  So, at the end of October we packed up and made the 10 hour drive up north.

My biggest fear in going was not finding cancer, it was finding nothing at all, returning the same as I left.  That may sound strange, but I feared disappointment more than death.  Maybe because death I knew what to do with, but disappointment...?  Disappointment is like a plague that never leaves.  So, when my church family asked how to pray, I would always say, "pray that I get answers".  Healing?  Sure!  Answers?  Absolutely! How long, O LORD?  My soul is downcast within me! (Psalm 42) 

Before we went I typed up a three page history of my symptoms, without using the term IBS, and gathered all medical tests, etc. that I had.  At our first appointment we spent an hour with the resident going over it all.  When the doctor came in next and said that she thought it was most likely IBS, and that I should buy a puppy and take yoga, I was crushed!  I wept.  My worst fear was coming to pass.  However, she did order a CT scan to be administered the next day, which was a Thursday. 

The results from the scan showed nothing wrong with the small bowel, but there was a large amount of stool in my colon.  As a side note, do ever wonder about who has to study such things to know what a "normal" amount is?  Yikes!  Any way, she suggested another test and we would discuss the results on Monday. 

During the four days between appointments, God was ever present.  He spoke to me through Scripture and other books I was reading, confirming the sufficiency of His grace.  I knew that no matter what Monday brought, I would offer myself to Him for His glory.  I would trust in His wisdom and obey His will.  Even as I was learning this, He was comforting me with peace, knowing that He was going before me through the prayers of so many.  God was quieting me with His love by letting me know that He had directed a man in our church to pray for my needs, even before they were known.  It was time, God was moving for a reason.

After a weekend of trying to forget why we were there and enjoying the city, we once again met with the doctor.  Though she still sung the praises of having a dog, she no longer called my condition IBS.  They had found something else.  She showed us the image of the CT scan, pointing out the features as we went.  When we got to the colon, she said I had what is called a redundant colon  She pointed to a big U shape in the middle of my colon.  She proceeded to give us a protocol for helping it and the possibility of surgery if we can't get it to function better with the protocol. 

I walked out of her office ecstatic!  Why would I be excited to find out I have an abnormality that will be a life long issue?  Well, for two reasons.  One, at least now I had a definitive answer and a plan to get better, neither of which I had during the 20 years I was told I had IBS.  And Second, God had specifically answered my prayer!  He DID care about me!  Something I desperately needed to know after all the years of disappointment. 

I know some people will get caught up in the length of time I had to wait before God showed the problem and solution, but that seems so insignificant to me right now.  Life is not just about the flashy moments when God does something cool, but the everyday moments He gets us through.  He was always there with the sufficiency of His grace and the time was not endured in vain.  I gained much character and insight.  I was being molded and shaped, which can be painful, but
I was being conformed to the image of Jesus, and isn't that what it is all about?  And in His perfect time, when it was essential for me to know, he showed His care and restored my soul.

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul.  Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 23:1-4

It's Not Fair!

Life isn't fair.  And I am so glad it isn't!  Does that statement surprise you, even shock you?  Well maybe that is because I know something you don't.  I know three things.  One, is that life is not just the number of days we spend on this earth; two, I don't want what I deserve; and three, that which is to come is beyond what we now see.

We must first have a working definition of life.  To most life is merely the time period between birth and death.  That, however, is not the sum total of our existence.  You see, we are spiritual beings inside this flesh and as such, our life extends beyond the physical.  So we come to find out that there is not one, but two deaths.

 It is true that our bodies are destined to perish with time.  This was not the original intent, but rather, the curse of decay was a result of the first humans sin.  Our infinite wise creator could not do otherwise.    But because He is also love, He made a way for us to be brought back to Him.  Not in our current flesh.  That was impossible.  Instead, it is our spirits that are born again and will either live for eternity or be consigned to eternal damnation, the second death.  "Blessed and holy are those who share in the first resurrection. The second death has no power over them, but they will be priests of God and of Christ and will reign with him for a thousand years." (Revelation 20:6)  "But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.” (Revelation 21:8)

I deserve this second death as much as the next guy or gal.  My only hope to escape it is the grace of God.  And so, I do not want life to be fair.  "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 6:23)  "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. " (John 3:16-17)  "Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on them." (John 3:36)  “Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life." (John 5:24)  "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, ² in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. ³ All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. ⁴ But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, ⁵ made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. ⁶ And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, ⁷ in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. ⁸ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:1-9)


The last reason I am glad that life is not fair is because we see only a shadow now.  "The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming—not the realities themselves." (Hebrews 10:1)  "They serve at a sanctuary that is a copy and shadow of what is in heaven." (Hebrews 8:5)  "These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ." (Colossians 2:17)  Those who live for now receive their reward, but their reward is but a shadow.
However, as it is written:

“What no eye has seen,
    what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”—
    the things God has prepared for those who love him— (1 Corinthians 2:9)

 

 

A shadow or the real thing...which would you prefer?  Would not it be better to forgo  a lesser treasure now, for a far greater one later?  Or has our society forgotten what delayed gratification means?  "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." ( 2 Corinthians 4:17)  "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)  As for me...I think I will take the latter.  "You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." (Psalm 16:11)

 

No, life isn't fair.  At least not how we define it.  And praise be to God it is not!  Make no mistake, God is just.  He will make all things right.  But the life to come will be far greater than what I see now and definitely greater than what I deserve.  Thanks be to the grace of God in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unfettered

Because I am getting ready for diagnosing of gastrointestinal issues, I went off the fast.  I needed to test some food intolerances (yep, they are still there!) and try to have my system in a "normal" state for them to see.  At first this seemed a blessing.  I was now free to indulge as I desired.  I was unfettered.  Shouldn't I be singing the halleluiah chorus or something?

What I found instead was another of God's paradoxes; His upside down economy.  MY freedom brought loss not gain.  When I loosed myself of His bonds, I found myself enslaved.  Enslaved to my flesh and its desires, desires that are not seeking my ultimate good, but only their momentary satisfaction.  Romans 6 sums this up for us when it tells us that we are slaves to the one whom we obey.  And Peter tells us, "Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves." (1 peter 2:16)  In just a few short days I felt the loss.  I was not hearing His voice as loudly.  I had lost self-control.  My addiction to chocolate had returned...and with a vengeance!

So what am I to do?

^15" I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  ²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:15-25)

Jesus is my hope of salvation!  I now know that it is about placing myself under the power and authority of my Lord and Savior.  Fasting is not just a day to humble myself and then go about as I please.  It is a submitting, a fettering myself to God.  For though from the world's viewpoint He seems to take away our fun.  The truest reality is that only in living His way can we find infinite joy!

The question then is:  Do I want a life time of pleasure or an eternity of treasure?  You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. (Psalm 16:11)  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:21)  Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. (Colossians 3:1)  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Corinthians 4:17)  Need I quote more? 

This is all nice and may be the truth, but it will not make a difference unless I believe it.  We say many things, but we act on what we believe.  Do I believe?  Yes!  Lord help my unbelief!

 

 

a wound that never quite heals

"It is a wound that never quite heals: shrapnel closed up in the flesh."  - Mark Buchanan

I read the above quote today and it resonated with me.  It describes how I feel about my infertility. Scripture says it this way:

“There are three things that are never satisfied,
    four that never say, ‘Enough!’:
 the grave, the barren womb,
    land, which is never satisfied with water,
    and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’

Proverbs 30:15-16

 

The wound has healed.  I have found peace and joy once again, but the grief still lies buried within, carried by my Savior.  He guards my heart for that day. "That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day." (1 Timothy 1:12)

 

 It is okay that the scar remains, for it reminds me that things are not as they are supposed to be.  Wombs are not meant to be barren.  We are meant for life not death.  I rejoice in this reminder, for it keeps my focus on the hope that is to come when Jesus Christ returns. 

The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears
    from all faces;
he will remove his people’s disgrace
    from all the earth.
The Lord has spoken.

⁹ In that day they will say,

“Surely this is our God;
    we trusted in him, and he saved us.
This is the Lord, we trusted in him;
    let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.

Isaiah 25:8-9

 

Even if I was to receive life in my womb this very day, the ache for eternity would still resound in my heart, for as long as we remain on this earth we are away from the Lord (2 Cor. 5:6).  As C.S. Lewis put it, we live only in the shadow lands here.  Our true home is waiting.  Christ has gone to prepare a place for us and will return to take us there.  In John 14:1-3 Jesus says, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. ² My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? ³ And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

³ And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

⁵ He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” (Revelation 21:3-5)
 
And so I rejoice in my suffering even as I shout Maranatha!  Lord come soon!  It is the very longing that keeps this life in perspective and leads to a greater life, both now and forever more. Amen.

 

Update on my fasting

Day 20:

I am not sure that I can adequately describe what this time of fasting has been for me but I will try.  It is beyond words because it is beyond the natural.  Supernatural?  Yes.  After all, isn't that the point?  If what I do is about the natural, then fasting would not be part of it!  It is NOT natural to deprive your body.

But what I now know, is that it isn't about the deprivation, it is about the battle for my soul.  It is not giving up something...it is giving myself up to someone.  A giving up of the temporal for the eternal.  Humbling myself before one who is greater than I.  Yearning for what I can not produce or control.  Surrendering myself to God. 

He is the air I breath, my food and living water.  My delight! 

Would you not be willing to give up something of far lesser value in order to gain a treasure that is beyond what you could ask or imagine?

Since Adam and Eve, we have fought sin and its destructive consequences.  But no consequence has been greater than our broken relationship with God.  We lost not only the beauty of the garden, but everything He is.  Pride replaced trust; blame replaced love; sorrow replaced joy and worry replaced peace.  "What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?" (Mark 8:36)

Praise be to God!  He provided a way to redeem the curse.  Through the blood of Jesus we can find forgiveness of sins and reconciliation with God.  This means that we can once again regain all that He is, by the Holy Spirit who dwells within us who believe.

I have been a believer for 30 years, but am confident that I have been missing out on much that is freely offered by God, because I have sought him on my terms...not his.

"And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. ² For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. ³ I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. ⁴ My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, ⁵ so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.⁶ We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. ⁷ No, we declare God’s wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. ⁸ None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. ⁹ However, as it is written:

         “What no eye has seen,
            what no ear has heard,
           and what no human mind has conceived”—
           the things God has prepared for those who love him—

¹⁰ these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.  The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. ¹¹ For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. ¹² What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. ¹³ This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. ¹⁴ The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. ¹⁵ The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, ¹⁶ for,

“Who has known the mind of the Lord
    so as to instruct him?”

But we have the mind of Christ.  (1 Corinthians 2:1-16)

 

Even in my fasting I must come to him rightly.  I do not fast in order to trade for what I want or persuade God to act on my behalf.  I fast to seek him.  I come to be changed.  The LORD spoke to Israel, through his prophet Isaiah, and declared the kind of fasting he desired; a fast that was pleasing to the LORD.

 

 

“Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
    Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
    and to the descendants of Jacob their sins.
² For day after day they seek me out;
    they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
    and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
    and seem eager for God to come near them.
³ ‘Why have we fasted,’ they say,
    ‘and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
    and you have not noticed?’

“Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
    and exploit all your workers.
⁴ Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
    and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
    and expect your voice to be heard on high.
⁵ Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
    only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
    and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
    a day acceptable to the Lord?

⁶ “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
    and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
    and break every yoke?
⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry
    and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
    and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
    and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness^[a] will go before you,
    and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
⁹ Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
    you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
    with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
    and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
    and your night will become like the noonday.
¹¹ The Lord will guide you always;
    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
    and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like a spring whose waters never fail.
¹² Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
    Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

¹³ “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
    and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
    and the Lord’s holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
    and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
¹⁴ then you will find your joy in the Lord,
    and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land
    and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.

(Isaiah 58)

 

And God IS changing me.  He has shown me that what is impossible for me (20 days with no sugar) is possible with God; that the support and accountability of other like minded believers is a must (we were never meant to live alone, Genesis 2:18); that I must endure for the joy set before me (it is about setting my mind on that which is most important); and that this life is about living for him not myself.  Through all this, a compassion I have not felt before has arisen inside me.  It is his compassion for the world which leads us from our solitude to action.

When we take this epic struggle to our solitude with God and deal with it there, we emerge with compassion, peace, joy, kindness, etc. (Galatians 5:22-25)  Only then can we meet the worlds needs, for these are precisely what the world needs.  If we do not, then we take our struggles with us to our encounters with others.  We have little if anything to offer and usually end up inflicting harm, for we are seeking for someone else to help us. 

Even as circumstances may dictate an end to this particular fast, I feel as though my true fast is only beginning.  I have not arrived at my destination and I know there will be stumbles along the way, but I also know the One who upholds me with his powerful right hand.  He will not sleep, nor slumber and he will never leave my side. 

I am on a journey to the heart of God.  Will you join me?

 

 

 

Cross references:

1. 1 Corinthians 2:1 : ver 4, 13; 1Co 1:17
2. 1 Corinthians 2:2 : Gal 6:14; 1Co 1:23
3. 1 Corinthians 2:3 : Ac 18:1-18
4. 1 Corinthians 2:3 : 1Co 4:10; 9:22; 2Co 11:29, 30; 12:5, 9, 10; 13:9
5. 1 Corinthians 2:3 : S 2Co 7:15
6. 1 Corinthians 2:4 : ver 1
7. 1 Corinthians 2:4 : S Ro 15:13
8. 1 Corinthians 2:5 : 2Co 4:7; 6:7
9. 1 Corinthians 2:6 : Eph 4:13; Php 3:15; Col 4:12; Heb 5:14; 6:1; Jas 1:4
10. 1 Corinthians 2:6 : ver 8; S 1Co 1:20
11. 1 Corinthians 2:6 : Ps 146:4
12. 1 Corinthians 2:7 : ver 1
13. 1 Corinthians 2:7 : Ro 16:25
14. 1 Corinthians 2:8 : ver 6; S 1Co 1:20
15. 1 Corinthians 2:8 : Ps 24:7; Ac 7:2; Jas 2:1
16. 1 Corinthians 2:9 : Isa 64:4; 65:17
17. 1 Corinthians 2:10 : S Mt 13:11; 2Co 12:1, 7; Gal 1:12; 2:2; Eph 3:3, 5
18. 1 Corinthians 2:10 : Jn 14:26
19. 1 Corinthians 2:11 : Jer 17:9
20. 1 Corinthians 2:11 : Pr 20:27
21. 1 Corinthians 2:12 : Ro 8:15
22. 1 Corinthians 2:12 : 1Co 1:20, 27; Jas 2:5
23. 1 Corinthians 2:13 : ver 1, 4; 1Co 1:17
24. 1 Corinthians 2:14 : Jn 14:17
25. 1 Corinthians 2:14 : S 1Co 1:18
26. 1 Corinthians 2:15 : 1Co 3:1; Gal 6:1
27. 1 Corinthians 2:16 : Isa 40:13; S Ro 11:34
28. 1 Corinthians 2:16 : Jn 15:15

Quotes on Prayer

This blog is not my words, but rather quotes on prayer from Henri Nouwen.  Words that have touched my soul and express my longing.  And so, I will let him tell you:

In a society that seems to be filled with urgencies and emergencies, prayer appears to be an unnatural form of behavior.  Without fully realizing it, we have accepted the idea that “doing things” is more important than prayer and have come to think of prayer as something for times when there is nothing urgent to do…

Concentrated human effort is necessary because prayer is not our most natural response to the world.  Left to our own impulses, we will always want to do something else before we pray.  Often, what we want to do seems so unquestionably good – setting up a religious education program, helping with a soup kitchen, listening to people’s problems, visiting the sick, planning the liturgy, working with prisoners or mental patients – that it is hard to realize that even these things can be done with impatience and so become signs of our own needs rather than of God’s compassion.

Therefore, prayer is in many ways the criterion of Christian life.  Prayer requires that we stand in God’s presence with open hands, naked and vulnerable, proclaiming to ourselves and to others that without God we can do nothing.  This is difficult in a climate where the predominate counsel is, “Do your best and God will do the rest.”  When life is divided into “our best” and “God’s rest”, we have turned prayer into a last resort to be used only when all our resources are depleted.  Then even the Lord has become the victim of our impatience.  Discipleship does not mean to use God when we can no longer function ourselves.  On the contrary, it means to recognize that we can do nothing at all, but that God can do everything through us.  As disciples, we find not some but all of our strength, hope, courage, and confidence in God.  Therefore, prayer must be our first concern.

God’s way can only be grasped in prayer.  The more you listen to God speaking within you, the sooner you will hear that voice inviting you to follow the way of Jesus.  For Jesus’ way is God’s way, and God’s way is not for Jesus only, but for everyone who is truly seeking God.  Here we come up against the hard truth that the descending way of Jesus is also the way for us to find God.  Soon after he ends his fasting in the wilderness and calls his first disciples, Jesus says,

                How blessed are the poor in spirit…

                Blessed are the gentle…

                Blessed are those who mourn…

                Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for uprightness…

                Blessed are the merciful…

                Blessed are the pure in heart…

                Blessed are the peacemakers…

                Blessed are those who are persecuted in the cause of uprightness…

Jesus is drawing a self-portrait here and inviting his disciples to become like him.

Prayer means letting Jesus’ way of the cross, his way of downward mobility, truly become our way.  And prayer means listening with attentive, undivided hearts, to the inner movements of the Spirit of Jesus, even when that Spirit leads us to places we would rather not go…

I say this with great compassion:  we are living in an upwardly mobile society, a society in which making it to the top is expected in some degree of all of us.  And aren’t we tempted to use even the Word of God to help us in this upward mobility?  But this is not the way of God.  The question we will finally hear is not going to be: “How much did you earn in your lifetime?” or “How many friends did you make?” or “How much progress did you make in your career?”  No, the question for us will be: “What did you do for the least of mine?”  God has chosen to be revealed in a crucified humanity.  That is a very hard realization to come to, yet all authentic prayer will eventually lead us to it.