I recently underwent laparoscopy surgery for endometreosis. This was my second time for the same surgery. The first one was eight years ago. Same surgery... different reason.
I have been married for 15 years and if you read one of my previous posts, you know that I do not have any children. And it hasn't been for a lack of trying I assure you. My surgery eight years ago was exploratory to see why it may be that, even with the help of fertility drugs, I was not conceiving. What they found was endometriosis and a couple cysts. Easily taken care of in the out-patient procedure. Now on to making a baby...or so we thought.
It and the drugs didn't work. So after much grief, we quit and I entrusted my fertility to God. Honestly, something I should have done long before. Understand that I am not making an indictment on all barren women by anything write. I, maybe more than most, understand that the working out of each of our lives are as unique as our fingerprints.
Early on when I prayed about conceiving a child, I sensed God tell me, "It is not time yet. I am preparing you.". Others praying for me felt a similar message. No indication of when or for what was I being prepared. The problem came in my impatience and thus the fertility treatments.
As you would guess, I have experienced the gamut of emotions and decisions that go along with such a trial. But I realized something new after this last surgery. This time the surgery was not for fertility, but rather to alleviate the monthly discomfort I have been dealing with for awhile. Time will tell whether it was successful.
This time the question was not, do I want to enhance my fertility, but do I want to keep it at all? You see, surgery was not my only option. However, the others options meant closing the door on the possibility of becoming pregnant. The decision is a little more complicated when you consider my age. I am no longer in my 20's or even early 30's. I am , in fact, approaching my 40th birthday. Maybe I should close the door. Maybe my time has past. Maybe I heard wrong.
In the end, I could not close that door. Not yet. Not on my own. Am I foolish? Deluded? Or is there something greater at work here? Time will tell.
This fertility thing has gone way beyond just becoming a mother, it is at the core of my belief. I could not close the door on my fertility, because I felt I would be closing the door on God. Again, this is not to say we don't have choices in matters of our fertility, but for me it is about what I believe I heard from God. And so closing the door would mean I was closing the door on that belief and the very idea that I could hear from God. I am fully aware that I could be wrong, I am after all...human. God is not required to answer in the way I am expecting, He is only required to answer according to His word. And so I seek to know His will and for me, that means leaving the door open and walking by faith.
Life is complicated and rarely is there only one reason for any given circumstance. Mine is no different, sometimes making it hard to navigate and easy to question myself. But I know that my struggle with being barren had wider implications, such as being upset because I couldn't do something I had a right to do and should have been able to do. Something most of my girlfriends were doing with ease. Pride. My desire for secure love, for a child always wants its mother above all others. Misplaced need. Wanting what I wanted, when I wanted it. Selfishness. Trying to find purpose in being like everyone else. Lack of trust.
The question always comes up, "what about adoption?". Adoption is a wonderful thing. My friends highly recommend it. And maybe it will be in my future, but for now...I wait. If I adopt it will be for the right reasons, not to fill a vacuum in my soul that only God can fill, but for love.
God has filled my life with many children that I love dearly, and in many ways I can be a unique someone to them because I don't have my own kids. Right now, I am enjoying the life God has given me and learning to be content. To truly cherish the uniqueness of who He has made me to be and the unique purpose He has for me. And in this I find GREAT joy!
So, what ever physical results come from the surgery, I am once again grateful for the lessons taught. The Spirit leads us into all truth and often he uses earthly means to make his heavenly point. Praise God! So, bring on the future...whatever it holds.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Les Miserables: two different responses to grace
I recently went to the movie theatre to see Les Miserables. I had not previously seen any production of it, as I always feared its depressing nature. And as the movie began I was contemplating the wisdom of my choice this time. However, as the movie progressed I came away with a very important lesson.
Though there was much to be seen and pondered, I was struck particularly by the difference between Jean Valjean and Javert. Two men who came from similar backgrounds and were both shown grace, but who responded very differently.
When Jean Valjean was shown grace by the priest, his heart was softened and he turned to lead a new life. A life that was marked by extending grace to others.
Javert, on the other hand, was so hard that instead of being molded by grace, he cracked under it. The weight was so unbearable that rather than endure change, he plunged to his death. Was it pride that made him unable to accept being anything other than the hard man he had always been? Was it shame? Whatever it was, he knew not how to overcome it.
One man cried out to God and found redemption, the other sought only what was in himself and found death.
It was much the same in Jesus' day. The Pharisees saw the same miracles that the disciples did and yet because of the hardness of their hearts, they did not believe. Why? Maybe because Jesus came to change the way of life and the Pharisees could not stand to lose their high position. Rather, they chose to crucify him. However, the grave could not hold him and so he rose again to bring eternal life for all who would believe...
7 So, as the Holy Spirit says:
10 For forty years I was angry with that generation;
I said, ‘They are a people whose hearts go astray,
and they have not known my ways.’
11 So I declared on oath in my anger,
‘They shall never enter my rest.’”
Though there was much to be seen and pondered, I was struck particularly by the difference between Jean Valjean and Javert. Two men who came from similar backgrounds and were both shown grace, but who responded very differently.
When Jean Valjean was shown grace by the priest, his heart was softened and he turned to lead a new life. A life that was marked by extending grace to others.
Javert, on the other hand, was so hard that instead of being molded by grace, he cracked under it. The weight was so unbearable that rather than endure change, he plunged to his death. Was it pride that made him unable to accept being anything other than the hard man he had always been? Was it shame? Whatever it was, he knew not how to overcome it.
One man cried out to God and found redemption, the other sought only what was in himself and found death.
It was much the same in Jesus' day. The Pharisees saw the same miracles that the disciples did and yet because of the hardness of their hearts, they did not believe. Why? Maybe because Jesus came to change the way of life and the Pharisees could not stand to lose their high position. Rather, they chose to crucify him. However, the grave could not hold him and so he rose again to bring eternal life for all who would believe...
7 So, as the Holy Spirit says:
“Today, if you hear his voice,
8 do not harden your hearts
as you did in the rebellion,
during the time of testing in the wilderness,
9 where your ancestors tested and tried me,
though for forty years they saw what I did.
10 That is why I was angry with that generation;
I said, ‘Their hearts are always going astray,
and they have not known my ways.’
11 So I declared on oath in my anger,
‘They shall never enter my rest.’ ”[b]
8 do not harden your hearts
as you did in the rebellion,
during the time of testing in the wilderness,
9 where your ancestors tested and tried me,
though for forty years they saw what I did.
10 That is why I was angry with that generation;
I said, ‘Their hearts are always going astray,
and they have not known my ways.’
11 So I declared on oath in my anger,
‘They shall never enter my rest.’ ”[b]
12 See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. 13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. 14 We have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original conviction firmly to the very end. 15 As has just been said:
16 Who were they who heard and rebelled? Were they not all those Moses led out of Egypt? 17 And with whom was he angry for forty years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose bodies perished in the wilderness? 18 And to whom did God swear that they would never enter his rest if not to those who disobeyed? 19 So we see that they were not able to enter, because of their unbelief. (Hebrews 3:7-19)
Psalm 95
1 Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord;
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
2 Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
2 Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.
3 For the Lord is the great God,
the great King above all gods.
4 In his hand are the depths of the earth,
and the mountain peaks belong to him.
5 The sea is his, for he made it,
and his hands formed the dry land.
the great King above all gods.
4 In his hand are the depths of the earth,
and the mountain peaks belong to him.
5 The sea is his, for he made it,
and his hands formed the dry land.
6 Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the Lord our Maker;
7 for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.
let us kneel before the Lord our Maker;
7 for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.
Today, if only you would hear his voice,
8 “Do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah,[a]
as you did that day at Massah[b] in the wilderness,
9 where your ancestors tested me;
they tried me, though they had seen what I did.
8 “Do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah,[a]
as you did that day at Massah[b] in the wilderness,
9 where your ancestors tested me;
they tried me, though they had seen what I did.
10 For forty years I was angry with that generation;
I said, ‘They are a people whose hearts go astray,
and they have not known my ways.’
11 So I declared on oath in my anger,
‘They shall never enter my rest.’”
Monday, February 11, 2013
All Things Hearts
So, what has changed? My understanding of the greatest love ever. A love that does not shift with the prevailing winds, but is steadfast and firm.
Who is this love of my life? God, my Father, Jesus, my beloved, and the Holy Spirit, my counselor and comforter. As I have come to understand the depth of God's love for me, I am humbled and elated. It seems so paradoxical at times, but it is truth. And in His love I have found freedom. Freedom to enjoy heart shaped things, others romantic joy, and my own.
And so, to all who read this, I pray that you may grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:18-19). Because in Christ, nothing can separate us from this love of God (Romans 8:37-39). Amen!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
The Choice of Life
I have no children of my own, but God has blessed me with many children to love. There are the children of friends, who I have watched grow and could not be more proud of if they were my own. Then there are my nieces, my brother's girls, who have stolen a piece of my heart forever. And now my adopted nephew, 8 months old, my friend's little boy. My friend has given me a special honor and privilege in this precious child's life.
It is amazing how much love a heart can hold. It never seems to shrink, but rather expands the more you use it. Much like any muscle in the body I guess. My love for all these kids continues to grow, but I want to share more specifically about my "nephew".
He is adopted. After nearly 15 years of waiting, God brought this wonderful gift, in the form of a baby boy, into my friends lives. How it happened is an amazing story and he is a blessing to them everyday.
Each time I stare into his adorable face and he melts my heart with his smile, I thank God that his biological mother and father chose life. I am sure it was not an easy decision, the important ones rarely are.
For whatever reasons, they could not care for a child themselves. I can not even fathom if they had chosen to end his life, rather than to offer it up to someone else. How much this world would have missed. For by choosing life, his biological mother not only spared her sons life, and in love gave him hope of a better life, but she blessed my friends, his parents, and all of us who know him as well.
It is amazing how much love a heart can hold. It never seems to shrink, but rather expands the more you use it. Much like any muscle in the body I guess. My love for all these kids continues to grow, but I want to share more specifically about my "nephew".
He is adopted. After nearly 15 years of waiting, God brought this wonderful gift, in the form of a baby boy, into my friends lives. How it happened is an amazing story and he is a blessing to them everyday.
Each time I stare into his adorable face and he melts my heart with his smile, I thank God that his biological mother and father chose life. I am sure it was not an easy decision, the important ones rarely are.
For whatever reasons, they could not care for a child themselves. I can not even fathom if they had chosen to end his life, rather than to offer it up to someone else. How much this world would have missed. For by choosing life, his biological mother not only spared her sons life, and in love gave him hope of a better life, but she blessed my friends, his parents, and all of us who know him as well.
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