I recently underwent laparoscopy surgery for endometreosis. This was my second time for the same surgery. The first one was eight years ago. Same surgery... different reason.
I have been married for 15 years and if you read one of my previous posts, you know that I do not have any children. And it hasn't been for a lack of trying I assure you. My surgery eight years ago was exploratory to see why it may be that, even with the help of fertility drugs, I was not conceiving. What they found was endometriosis and a couple cysts. Easily taken care of in the out-patient procedure. Now on to making a baby...or so we thought.
It and the drugs didn't work. So after much grief, we quit and I entrusted my fertility to God. Honestly, something I should have done long before. Understand that I am not making an indictment on all barren women by anything write. I, maybe more than most, understand that the working out of each of our lives are as unique as our fingerprints.
Early on when I prayed about conceiving a child, I sensed God tell me, "It is not time yet. I am preparing you.". Others praying for me felt a similar message. No indication of when or for what was I being prepared. The problem came in my impatience and thus the fertility treatments.
As you would guess, I have experienced the gamut of emotions and decisions that go along with such a trial. But I realized something new after this last surgery. This time the surgery was not for fertility, but rather to alleviate the monthly discomfort I have been dealing with for awhile. Time will tell whether it was successful.
This time the question was not, do I want to enhance my fertility, but do I want to keep it at all? You see, surgery was not my only option. However, the others options meant closing the door on the possibility of becoming pregnant. The decision is a little more complicated when you consider my age. I am no longer in my 20's or even early 30's. I am , in fact, approaching my 40th birthday. Maybe I should close the door. Maybe my time has past. Maybe I heard wrong.
In the end, I could not close that door. Not yet. Not on my own. Am I foolish? Deluded? Or is there something greater at work here? Time will tell.
This fertility thing has gone way beyond just becoming a mother, it is at the core of my belief. I could not close the door on my fertility, because I felt I would be closing the door on God. Again, this is not to say we don't have choices in matters of our fertility, but for me it is about what I believe I heard from God. And so closing the door would mean I was closing the door on that belief and the very idea that I could hear from God. I am fully aware that I could be wrong, I am after all...human. God is not required to answer in the way I am expecting, He is only required to answer according to His word. And so I seek to know His will and for me, that means leaving the door open and walking by faith.
Life is complicated and rarely is there only one reason for any given circumstance. Mine is no different, sometimes making it hard to navigate and easy to question myself. But I know that my struggle with being barren had wider implications, such as being upset because I couldn't do something I had a right to do and should have been able to do. Something most of my girlfriends were doing with ease. Pride. My desire for secure love, for a child always wants its mother above all others. Misplaced need. Wanting what I wanted, when I wanted it. Selfishness. Trying to find purpose in being like everyone else. Lack of trust.
The question always comes up, "what about adoption?". Adoption is a wonderful thing. My friends highly recommend it. And maybe it will be in my future, but for now...I wait. If I adopt it will be for the right reasons, not to fill a vacuum in my soul that only God can fill, but for love.
God has filled my life with many children that I love dearly, and in many ways I can be a unique someone to them because I don't have my own kids. Right now, I am enjoying the life God has given me and learning to be content. To truly cherish the uniqueness of who He has made me to be and the unique purpose He has for me. And in this I find GREAT joy!
So, what ever physical results come from the surgery, I am once again grateful for the lessons taught. The Spirit leads us into all truth and often he uses earthly means to make his heavenly point. Praise God! So, bring on the future...whatever it holds.
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