I find my self the median of most things. When I was in high school my family took a personality test for fun. My mom and brother were on one side and my dad on the other. Where was I? You guessed it, right in the middle! I am not completely shy, but neither can I strike up a conversation with just anybody. I find myself the mediator a lot. Then there is my athleticism. I am athletic enough to participate in most sports, but not enough to excel at any. I have a fairly good singing voice, but you will never find me on the Billboard charts. I am of average intelligence, height and weight. Need I say more?
This mediocrity used to bother me. But I have come to appreciate the middle. I like balance. It allows me to look at things more objectively. I am tired of the two extreme opinions always fighting (the mediator in me I guess). I can see truth on both sides. They fight so strongly for their own side, even if they did see truth on the other, they generally wouldn't admit it or would find a way to turn it in their favor. Ugh!
This is especially disturbing in the church. I realize the need to stand for truth and refute heresy, but often we are standing on our own sinking sand of opinion. None of us can know 100 percent, nor do we need to defend God. “Teacher,” said John, “we saw someone driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us.” “Do not stop him,” Jesus said. “For no one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me, for whoever is not against us is for us." (Mark 9:38-40)
I think if we spent more time seeking first God and then fulfilling the law of love, we would find the answers we seek. But that is just my mediocre opinion...take it for what it is worth. ;)
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Hair
I am not one to have the same hairstyle very long. This I blame on my mother...and I am not just blaming here. Take a look at our family album and you will think I had multiple mothers growing up! I have continually gone from long to short and back to long again, even when it is long, I have to style it differently. By now you are thinking, "who cares?". And so you should. What is hair any way, a covering, a way to distinguish in which decade the family photos were taken (all who grew up in the 80's know what I am talking about), or is it merely vanity? Maybe it is a combination of all of those, but for me, today, it was so much more.
As I was styling my long tresses (that sound so much better than, "I was comin' my hair"), a spiritual application occurred to me. Hair is spiritual? Well, it can be...at least in its application. God often has to use physical word pictures to make his point with me. ;) Any way, back to the hair. I realized that the guys in college were right, I do look better with long hair. Who knew?! I remember a particular time I was trying to decide whether to cut my hair or keep it long. They all voted for long. So, of course, I cut it off!
Why did I do that? Sometimes I think I cut my hair off because I get tired of dealing with it. I am so glad God does not grow tired or weary of us (Isaiah 40:28). Sometimes it is because I want the same look another woman has. Funny thing is, it never looks as good on me as it did on her. That must be why God says to be content with who I am (Romans 9:20-21). Sometimes I just do it for fun. Pleasure isn't bad, but I should look to eternal things rather than fleeting earthly fancies (Psalm 16:11). And I admit it, sometimes I just want to cause a stir. Darn that old, rebellious nature. (Hebrews 3:8). ;)
Just as the guys were right about my hair, God, in His infallible wisdom knows what is best for me. He knows what joys and pains will develop the most beauty in my character. However, just like I did then, I so often do now, I ask God's opinion, but inevitably do what I want any way. Ouch!
Who knew fixing my hair would lead to meditating on God? Hmmm. So, is the moral of the story that I can never again cut my hair? No. That would be missing the point. It isn't about the hair, it is about seeking God and actually obeying Him. He created us and knows what is best and He gave us an instruction manual (The Bible) to follow. " But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)
The Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." (1 Peter 3:3-4) So here's to finding the right style of beauty for me...and I am not talking about my hair.
As I was styling my long tresses (that sound so much better than, "I was comin' my hair"), a spiritual application occurred to me. Hair is spiritual? Well, it can be...at least in its application. God often has to use physical word pictures to make his point with me. ;) Any way, back to the hair. I realized that the guys in college were right, I do look better with long hair. Who knew?! I remember a particular time I was trying to decide whether to cut my hair or keep it long. They all voted for long. So, of course, I cut it off!
Why did I do that? Sometimes I think I cut my hair off because I get tired of dealing with it. I am so glad God does not grow tired or weary of us (Isaiah 40:28). Sometimes it is because I want the same look another woman has. Funny thing is, it never looks as good on me as it did on her. That must be why God says to be content with who I am (Romans 9:20-21). Sometimes I just do it for fun. Pleasure isn't bad, but I should look to eternal things rather than fleeting earthly fancies (Psalm 16:11). And I admit it, sometimes I just want to cause a stir. Darn that old, rebellious nature. (Hebrews 3:8). ;)
Just as the guys were right about my hair, God, in His infallible wisdom knows what is best for me. He knows what joys and pains will develop the most beauty in my character. However, just like I did then, I so often do now, I ask God's opinion, but inevitably do what I want any way. Ouch!
Who knew fixing my hair would lead to meditating on God? Hmmm. So, is the moral of the story that I can never again cut my hair? No. That would be missing the point. It isn't about the hair, it is about seeking God and actually obeying Him. He created us and knows what is best and He gave us an instruction manual (The Bible) to follow. " But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)
The Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." (1 Peter 3:3-4) So here's to finding the right style of beauty for me...and I am not talking about my hair.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Which Comes First...Faith or Freedom?
This is not meant to be controversial, but it might. I am okay with the fact that not everyone agrees with me. I do ask that you consider what I say and remember that this is simply my musings.
It is my understanding that it is not policy that is ruining this country. Policy is a result of thinking and thinking is a result of believing. So it is the quality of the beliefs that will determine the quality of the policies. So, when it comes to our freedoms, religious or otherwise, they are undermined, not by a lack of action, but by a lack of faith.
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke) Though there is truth in this, it is not the whole truth. This world is not based on the good and evil of humanity alone. There is a spiritual element that must be taken into account. And so, while we should not sit by and do nothing...I think what we need is more kneeling, rather than more standing.
God's people must return to their first love and act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with their God. God must be returned to the "throne" of our hearts. We must repent and seek first His kingdom, that His will would be done on earth as it is in heaven. When we first love God with all our heart and then our neighbor, lives will change...then those lives will change the governments.
In Christ we are free no matter what creed the government holds to. And what is temporary freedom on earth, if eternity will be spent in hell? Faith, hope and love is what the world needs, and against such things there are no laws! Praise Jesus!
It is my understanding that it is not policy that is ruining this country. Policy is a result of thinking and thinking is a result of believing. So it is the quality of the beliefs that will determine the quality of the policies. So, when it comes to our freedoms, religious or otherwise, they are undermined, not by a lack of action, but by a lack of faith.
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke) Though there is truth in this, it is not the whole truth. This world is not based on the good and evil of humanity alone. There is a spiritual element that must be taken into account. And so, while we should not sit by and do nothing...I think what we need is more kneeling, rather than more standing.
God's people must return to their first love and act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with their God. God must be returned to the "throne" of our hearts. We must repent and seek first His kingdom, that His will would be done on earth as it is in heaven. When we first love God with all our heart and then our neighbor, lives will change...then those lives will change the governments.
In Christ we are free no matter what creed the government holds to. And what is temporary freedom on earth, if eternity will be spent in hell? Faith, hope and love is what the world needs, and against such things there are no laws! Praise Jesus!
Saturday, November 16, 2013
The Reopening of Desire
But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
Isaiah 43:1-3
At the age of 30, 40 years old looked so far away; surely I would not have to wait that long. But here I am. Once again, I stand at the door and knock. Once again I face my infertility head on. This was not my plan. It was not my plan to be unable to bear a child, it was not my plan to have a baby at 40, and it was not my plan to reopen the desire for a child.
You see, years ago I found contentment and gave up asking. But now, the desire is stirring...maybe for the last time...maybe at the right time. I don't pretend to know the thoughts of God or what he may want to accomplish in or through me, but I can hear Him calling. Will I listen and follow?
It appears my trip to Mayo Clinic has had an effect beyond my bowels; an effect that goes straight to my heart. I am not entirely surprised by this, for Ephesians 3:20-21 tells us that God "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen".
At Mayo God gave me a gastroenterologist who herself had struggled to conceive. In her ability to empathize she suggested we see a reproductive endocrinologist. At this point I cried. Though we are doing some testing to see what my fertility picture looks like "at my age", I do not anticipate them solving my problem. What seeing her did do, was reopen the proverbial can of worms. God used it to uncover what was hidden and to help me understand what He has done for me.
I am more confident than ever that the contentment I have and the joy I feel in my life is real. How can I say this when I just admitted thinking about my desire for a child brought me to tears? Am I in denial? I do not believe so. Contentment is defined as 1) the state of being contented; satisfaction and 2) A source of satisfaction. Contentment is not the absence of pain or suffering. As Paul shares in Philippians 4:12-13, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." He was content even in hard times. How? Christ. It is Christ who is the source of our contentment.
Again in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 Paul says, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." This is what I was finally able to put into words. Contentment is not the absence or denial of pain, but hoping and trusting in someone greater than my pain. When Isaiah prophesied about our coming Messiah, Jesus, he described him as one who would bear our grief and carry our sorrows (Isaiah 53:4). That is what He does for me and why I can live each day in joy, but return to the full grief and sorrow if I choose to pick it up again.
God also revealed the reasons I stopped asking for a miracle...and there are several. The first being, that I wrongly thought to glorify God and show His contentment and victory in my life I had to stop asking and appear strong. I now realize that the two are not exclusive. Asking does not mean distrust and it is not my strength that glorifies Him, it is His strength in my weakness. Everyday I get up and enjoy life while still admitting my desire, I prove His strength, faithfulness and will.
I should have seen this before. I love sunrises and sunsets, and God has graciously placed me in a home where I get to witness His glorious sunrises on a daily basis. Let me ask you this, which sunrises are the most beautiful, those on a clear morning or those where the sky is scattered with clouds? The ones with clouds! So it is in life. The most beautiful moments in our lives, the ones that glorify God the most, are not the easy, free of hardship ones, but the ones scattered with pain and sorrow that allow God's light to come shining through in an array of colors.
Have you ever seen an old house in need of repair? One that has been beaten down by time and weather or just neglect? It doesn't look like much, but then someone comes along to restore it. A person who sees potential and has the skills to accomplish the task. When the restoration is complete, it is gorgeous! Amazing! God sees the same potential in us and his Holy Spirit enables the transformation, so that we too can be a beautiful work of art!
On to reason number two. I quit asking because of pride. Ugh! Do I have to admit this? Yes, yes I do. I had moved to a new town and those people didn't know. I could just be me and not an object of pity. That is right, I stopped asking because I was tired of being pitied or at least that is what I perceived it to be. Even when people mean well, it doesn't always come across well (but that is a lesson for another time).
Reason number three can be labeled fear, but it really piggybacks on pride. I was afraid of being wrong and appearing foolish. If I kept praying and asking and believing (I once was sure God told me not yet) and it never happened, how would that look? Surely God's reputation would be tarnished! Right? Or was I more worried about mine? Isn't it better to be a fool for God than a fool of my own making?
So what if I am wrong? What if God doesn't answer? Does the world stop spinning? Does God cease to be God? These are all questions I had to ask myself. And the answer I came up with is that God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is love and He is wisdom. I can trust Him. And he has been lovingly showing me that He doesn't fit into my box. As God told us through the prophet Isaiah, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord."(Isaiah 55:8) We too often get upset at God because He isn't doing what we think He should be doing in our given circumstance. The problem lies not in God, but in our perception. We put God in a square box and then try and fit him into a triangle shaped circumstance. It won't work! We need to put God back on the throne and fit our circumstances to Him.
And lastly, I began to doubt. I was no longer sure of what I wanted. Life is good, why mess it up? Satan loves to use the what ifs. How could I be sure? I can't. I am no closer to knowing the future than when I began this journey 13 years ago, but I am closer to the One who does. He recently heard my cry and answered me, giving me the hope I so desperately needed; letting me know that He cares for even me. I feel Him asking me to focus less on the end and more on the journey; less on me and more on Him. No matter life's joys or sorrows, he is Sovereign, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters." (Romans 8:28-29)
So, where does all this leave me? In the best possible place...at the mercy of my God and Savior! "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39) And I have this "treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." (2 Corinthians 4:7-10)
I press on to win the prize (Philippians 3:14) and offer my body as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1-2). I keep thinking of Abraham and Sarah. Nothing is too hard for God. And so, I ask you to join me in believing and praying that God will heal my womb and bring forth a child and that many thanks will be given to Him. But as my Lord taught with the example of his life, "yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42) I trust his wisdom and will accept His answer. I can do this only because I am confident that His love is better than life and I will one day receive my reward, even as I walk in His presence now, through His Holy Spirit who enables me to stand on the heights.
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.
Habakkuk 3:17-19
Sunday, November 10, 2013
My Mayo Clinic Experience
About a month ago my husband, and I decided to take me to Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. The decision was really 20 years in the making. Twenty years of dealing with an unruly gastrointestinal system, with pain and food intolerances increasing the last few. Over the years, every time I would get fed up with "dealing" I would seek help from a doctor only to be told I had IBS and given a pill, such as Prilosec. To which I would reply, "no thank you" and walk out discouraged once again. At the end of September I had a severe episode of pain. After nearly scaring my husband to death, he suggested we look into Mayo, after all, they are supposed to be the best. If they can't find it, who can? So, at the end of October we packed up and made the 10 hour drive up north.
My biggest fear in going was not finding cancer, it was finding nothing at all, returning the same as I left. That may sound strange, but I feared disappointment more than death. Maybe because death I knew what to do with, but disappointment...? Disappointment is like a plague that never leaves. So, when my church family asked how to pray, I would always say, "pray that I get answers". Healing? Sure! Answers? Absolutely! How long, O LORD? My soul is downcast within me! (Psalm 42)
Before we went I typed up a three page history of my symptoms, without using the term IBS, and gathered all medical tests, etc. that I had. At our first appointment we spent an hour with the resident going over it all. When the doctor came in next and said that she thought it was most likely IBS, and that I should buy a puppy and take yoga, I was crushed! I wept. My worst fear was coming to pass. However, she did order a CT scan to be administered the next day, which was a Thursday.
The results from the scan showed nothing wrong with the small bowel, but there was a large amount of stool in my colon. As a side note, do ever wonder about who has to study such things to know what a "normal" amount is? Yikes! Any way, she suggested another test and we would discuss the results on Monday.
During the four days between appointments, God was ever present. He spoke to me through Scripture and other books I was reading, confirming the sufficiency of His grace. I knew that no matter what Monday brought, I would offer myself to Him for His glory. I would trust in His wisdom and obey His will. Even as I was learning this, He was comforting me with peace, knowing that He was going before me through the prayers of so many. God was quieting me with His love by letting me know that He had directed a man in our church to pray for my needs, even before they were known. It was time, God was moving for a reason.
After a weekend of trying to forget why we were there and enjoying the city, we once again met with the doctor. Though she still sung the praises of having a dog, she no longer called my condition IBS. They had found something else. She showed us the image of the CT scan, pointing out the features as we went. When we got to the colon, she said I had what is called a redundant colon She pointed to a big U shape in the middle of my colon. She proceeded to give us a protocol for helping it and the possibility of surgery if we can't get it to function better with the protocol.
I walked out of her office ecstatic! Why would I be excited to find out I have an abnormality that will be a life long issue? Well, for two reasons. One, at least now I had a definitive answer and a plan to get better, neither of which I had during the 20 years I was told I had IBS. And Second, God had specifically answered my prayer! He DID care about me! Something I desperately needed to know after all the years of disappointment.
I know some people will get caught up in the length of time I had to wait before God showed the problem and solution, but that seems so insignificant to me right now. Life is not just about the flashy moments when God does something cool, but the everyday moments He gets us through. He was always there with the sufficiency of His grace and the time was not endured in vain. I gained much character and insight. I was being molded and shaped, which can be painful, but
I was being conformed to the image of Jesus, and isn't that what it is all about? And in His perfect time, when it was essential for me to know, he showed His care and restored my soul.
My biggest fear in going was not finding cancer, it was finding nothing at all, returning the same as I left. That may sound strange, but I feared disappointment more than death. Maybe because death I knew what to do with, but disappointment...? Disappointment is like a plague that never leaves. So, when my church family asked how to pray, I would always say, "pray that I get answers". Healing? Sure! Answers? Absolutely! How long, O LORD? My soul is downcast within me! (Psalm 42)
Before we went I typed up a three page history of my symptoms, without using the term IBS, and gathered all medical tests, etc. that I had. At our first appointment we spent an hour with the resident going over it all. When the doctor came in next and said that she thought it was most likely IBS, and that I should buy a puppy and take yoga, I was crushed! I wept. My worst fear was coming to pass. However, she did order a CT scan to be administered the next day, which was a Thursday.
The results from the scan showed nothing wrong with the small bowel, but there was a large amount of stool in my colon. As a side note, do ever wonder about who has to study such things to know what a "normal" amount is? Yikes! Any way, she suggested another test and we would discuss the results on Monday.
During the four days between appointments, God was ever present. He spoke to me through Scripture and other books I was reading, confirming the sufficiency of His grace. I knew that no matter what Monday brought, I would offer myself to Him for His glory. I would trust in His wisdom and obey His will. Even as I was learning this, He was comforting me with peace, knowing that He was going before me through the prayers of so many. God was quieting me with His love by letting me know that He had directed a man in our church to pray for my needs, even before they were known. It was time, God was moving for a reason.
After a weekend of trying to forget why we were there and enjoying the city, we once again met with the doctor. Though she still sung the praises of having a dog, she no longer called my condition IBS. They had found something else. She showed us the image of the CT scan, pointing out the features as we went. When we got to the colon, she said I had what is called a redundant colon She pointed to a big U shape in the middle of my colon. She proceeded to give us a protocol for helping it and the possibility of surgery if we can't get it to function better with the protocol.
I walked out of her office ecstatic! Why would I be excited to find out I have an abnormality that will be a life long issue? Well, for two reasons. One, at least now I had a definitive answer and a plan to get better, neither of which I had during the 20 years I was told I had IBS. And Second, God had specifically answered my prayer! He DID care about me! Something I desperately needed to know after all the years of disappointment.
I know some people will get caught up in the length of time I had to wait before God showed the problem and solution, but that seems so insignificant to me right now. Life is not just about the flashy moments when God does something cool, but the everyday moments He gets us through. He was always there with the sufficiency of His grace and the time was not endured in vain. I gained much character and insight. I was being molded and shaped, which can be painful, but
I was being conformed to the image of Jesus, and isn't that what it is all about? And in His perfect time, when it was essential for me to know, he showed His care and restored my soul.
The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 23:1-4
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