"And a leper came to Jesus, beseeching Him and falling on his knees before Him, and saying, “If you are willing, You can make me clean.” Moved with compassion, Jesus stretched out His hand and touched him, and said to him, “I am willing; be cleansed.” Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed." (Mark 1:40-42)
These are the words I read the other morning, that reminded me again of my unanswered prayers for healing. I believe God can heal me, but apparently, unlike with the leper, He is not willing. God's apparent unwillingness to heal either my womb or my gut used to unnerve me. Unconsciously I began to believe that it must be because God doesn't love me as much as that other person, who just received their miracle. Maybe, if I just learned enough lessons He would do it, like He was waiting for me to get it before He gave it.
Thinking that God doesn't love you or care about you that much is a dangerous place to stand. I kept trying to earn it, but I could never do or be enough.
Then God began to show me the truth of His love and grace. He gave me a right view of myself (I deserve nothing good), as well as Himself (He who did not spare His own son, but gave Him for my redemption surely loves me). And so, the other morning when I read Mark 1:40-42 and thought about my unanswered prayers, I was struck with a new thought. What if my unanswered prayer was God's love for me? Crazy? Instead of it meaning that He loved me less, what if it meant He loved me more? Could it be that he isn't willing, because if He did heal me I would lose out on the work He was doing in me through it? What if a healed gut meant I could eat whatever I wanted and I would eat too much junk? What if...?
I may never know the exact reasons. But it made me think of Laura Story's song, Blessings. And I have decided to trust in the One who knows the end from the beginning.
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