The Reopening of Desire

 

As I write this, I am battling between being scared and excited.  Reopening this desire will not be safe; it has the potential to cut deeply.  Do I want to be this vulnerable? No!  But I can't seem to shake the compelling feeling that I must do this.  Why?  Only God knows.  And He is the only reason I can take this leap of faith, for I believe. 

But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
 When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

Isaiah 43:1-3

 

At the age of 30, 40 years old looked so far away; surely I would not have to wait that long.  But here I am.  Once again, I stand at the door and knock.  Once again I face my infertility head on.  This was not my plan.  It was not my plan to be unable to bear a child, it was not my plan to have a baby at 40, and it was not my plan to reopen the desire for a child.

 

You see, years ago I found contentment and gave up asking.  But now, the desire is stirring...maybe for the last time...maybe at the right time.  I don't pretend to know the thoughts of God or what he may want to accomplish in or through me, but I can hear Him calling.  Will I listen and follow?

 

It appears my trip to Mayo Clinic has had an effect beyond my bowels; an effect that goes straight to my heart.  I am not entirely surprised by this, for Ephesians 3:20-21 tells us that God "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen".

 

At Mayo God gave me a gastroenterologist who herself had struggled to conceive.  In her ability to empathize she suggested we see a reproductive endocrinologist.  At this point I cried.  Though we are doing some testing to see what my fertility picture looks like "at my age", I do not anticipate them solving my problem.  What seeing her did do, was reopen the proverbial can of worms.  God used it to uncover what was hidden and to help me understand what He has done for me.

 

I am more confident than ever that the contentment I have and the joy I feel in my life is real.  How can I say this when I just admitted thinking about my desire for a child brought me to tears?  Am I in denial?  I do not believe so.  Contentment is defined as 1) the state of being contented; satisfaction and 2) A source of satisfaction.  Contentment is not the absence of pain or suffering. As Paul shares in Philippians 4:12-13, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength."  He was content even in hard times.  How?  Christ.  It is Christ who is the source of our contentment. 

 

Again in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 Paul says, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  This is what I was finally able to put into words.  Contentment is not the absence or denial of pain, but hoping and trusting in someone greater than my pain.  When Isaiah prophesied about our coming Messiah, Jesus, he described him as one who would bear our grief and carry our sorrows (Isaiah 53:4).  That is what He does for me and why I can live each day in joy, but return to the full grief and sorrow if I choose to pick it up again.

 

God also revealed the reasons I stopped asking for a miracle...and there are several.  The first being, that I wrongly thought to glorify God and show His contentment and victory in my life I had to stop asking and appear strong.  I now realize that the two are not exclusive.  Asking does not mean distrust and it is not my strength that glorifies Him, it is His strength in my weakness.  Everyday I get up and enjoy life while still admitting my desire, I prove His strength, faithfulness and will. 

 

I should have seen this before.  I love sunrises and sunsets, and God has graciously placed me in a home where I get to witness His glorious sunrises on a daily basis.  Let me ask you this, which sunrises are the most beautiful, those on a clear morning or those where the sky is scattered with clouds?  The ones with clouds!  So it is in life.  The most beautiful moments in our lives, the ones that glorify God the most, are not the easy, free of hardship ones, but the ones scattered with pain and sorrow that allow God's light to come shining through in an array of colors. 

 

Have you ever seen an old house in need of repair?  One that has been beaten down by time and weather or just neglect?  It doesn't look like much, but then someone comes along to restore it.  A person who sees potential and has the skills to accomplish the task.  When the restoration is complete, it is gorgeous!  Amazing!  God sees the same potential in us and his Holy Spirit enables the transformation, so that we too can be a beautiful work of art! 

 

On to reason number two.  I quit asking because of pride.  Ugh!  Do I have to admit this?  Yes, yes I do.  I had moved to a new town and those people didn't know.  I could just be me and not an object of pity.   That is right, I stopped asking because I was tired of being pitied or at least that is what I perceived it to be.  Even when people mean well, it doesn't always come across well (but that is a lesson for another time). 

 

Reason number three can be labeled fear, but it really piggybacks on pride.  I was afraid of being wrong and appearing foolish.  If I kept praying and asking and believing (I once was sure God told me not yet) and it never happened, how would that look?  Surely God's reputation would be tarnished!  Right?  Or was I more worried about mine?  Isn't it better to be a fool for God than a fool of my own making?

 

So what if I am wrong?  What if God doesn't answer?  Does the world stop spinning?  Does God cease to be God?  These are all questions I had to ask myself.  And the answer I came up with is that God is the same yesterday, today and forever.  He is love and He is wisdom.  I can trust Him.  And he has been lovingly showing me that He doesn't fit into my box.  As God told us through the prophet Isaiah, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord."(Isaiah 55:8)  We too often get upset at God because He isn't doing what we think He should be doing in our given circumstance.  The problem lies not in God, but in our perception.   We put God in a square box and then try and fit him into a triangle shaped circumstance.  It won't work!  We need to put God back on the throne and fit our circumstances to Him.

 

And lastly, I began to doubt.  I was no longer sure of what I wanted.  Life is good, why mess it up?  Satan loves to use the what ifs.  How could I be sure?  I can't.  I am no closer to knowing the future than when I began this journey 13 years ago, but I am closer to the One who does.  He recently heard my cry and answered me, giving me the hope I so desperately needed; letting me know that He cares for even me.  I feel Him asking me to focus less on the end and more on the journey; less on me and more on Him.  No matter life's joys or sorrows, he is Sovereign, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters." (Romans 8:28-29)

 

So, where does all this leave me?  In the best possible place...at the mercy of my God and Savior!  "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)  And I have this "treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." (2 Corinthians 4:7-10)

 

I press on to win the prize (Philippians 3:14) and offer my body as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1-2).  I keep thinking of Abraham and Sarah.  Nothing is too hard for God.  And so, I ask you to join me in believing and praying that God will heal my womb and bring forth a child and that many thanks will be given to Him.  But as my Lord taught with the example of his life, "yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)  I trust his wisdom and will accept His answer.  I can do this only because I am confident that His love is better than life and I will one day receive my reward, even as I walk in His presence now, through His Holy Spirit who enables me to stand on the heights.

 

 Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior. 

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

Habakkuk 3:17-19