New Years Resolution

So...it is that time of year again.  You know what I am talking about.  That time where we sit down and take a look at what we have done and what we really want to do and then either succumb to depression or get fired up to change.  Yep, it is time for those New Years Resolutions!

Why does January do this to us?  Why not June or July?  What is it about the clearly defined fresh start of the new year?  Maybe it is a result of our overindulgence at the holidays that makes us revisit that waistline one more time, or the turmoil of family gatherings that spurs us to want to have better relationships or the overspending on gifts that makes us realize we have GOT to get our finances under control.  Whatever it is, the time is upon us and there is no use putting it off any longer.

Here goes.  I too want this year to be different...better...more purposeful.  So I am making my resolution and putting it on here for all to see (or at least the two of you who actually read these). ;)  I am only choosing one and you will soon see why.  My New Year Resolution is...Matthew 6:33, "Seek first His kingdom and righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well."  I'd say that pretty much covers everything else.

I figure if I choose the one thing that Mary did, I can expect God to do so much more (Ephesians 3:2021).  For it is God who works in us to both will and to act (Phil. 2:13).  I am confident, because God is faithful.  Malachi tells us that God asks to be tested according to his promises and Isaiah tells us that God has said He will be found if we seek Him with our whole heart.  So, as I seek Him, I wait in wonder at what God has planned for this coming year. 

Maybe that is why we like the new year so much...it is a clean slate just waiting for us to fill it with adventure and wonder!

What Is The Soundtrack To Your Life?

Have you ever muted the sound on a movie?  My husband does this for me if the movie is getting too scary, because once the music is muted, it is not nearly so scary.  The power of music is amazing!  Driving in the car the other night, I was singing along to a CD and feeling so inspired by the songs.  Whenever I listen to music like this, a feeling rises up in me, as if I can conquer the world!  But alas, the music ends and life returns to its humdrum pace.  I realized I need a soundtrack for my life!  If only the music could continue to play as I went about my days...think of what I could accomplish! 

But here is the thing...as much as people do try to do this (with their ear buds in all the time), it just isn't workable.  We won't all want or need the same song and going around listening to our own ear buds all the time seriously limits our interaction with one another.  And the point of being inspired is to help others.  So what are we to do?

Well, the Holy Spirit was quick to help me realize that we already have a soundtrack, of sorts, going all the time.  It is called our thoughts.  We live according to the negative or positive track of thoughts that continually play in our minds.  And there is hope, because this soundtrack can be rerecorded!  Yes, we can choose what we think on and we are commanded to think on that which is good (2 Cor. 10:5, Phil. 4:8).  As we meditate on God's Word, our "soundtrack" will inspire us and we will become more than conquerors through Christ! (Romans 8:37)

Praise be to God, who has thought of everything! :)

Snowflakes and DNA

As I look out my window I see snow covered hills.  Such a beautiful sight.  The clean, bright white against the barren, brown trees.  And though the big picture is beautiful, today I am more interested in the details; the detail in each and every flake that combine to make up the whole.  And I am reminded of what God has to say about His church.

Scientists have discovered with snow flakes and DNA what God already told us.  We are all unique; no two are the same.  Not only do we look different, but we are made up of different combinations of personality, talents and gifts.  We are all equal, but we are not all the same.

I grew up in a place where it doesn't snow much and though it sure makes it nicer to get around, the dusting of snow they get sure isn't as pretty as the foot of snow were I live now.  You can't sled or build a snowman in a dusting; neither does it cover all the ground to make a blanket of white.  Individually we are like tiny snowflakes.  We are but a dusting, a part of the whole.  We are still fearfully and wonderfully made, a life to be celebrated, but our function is limited.  However, when we all get together and we are each who God created us to be, we can be of great use and a lot of fun!

So..."let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." (Hebrews 10:24-25)

Celebrating My Mediocrity

I find my self the median of most things.  When I was in high school my family took a personality test for fun.  My mom and brother were on one side and my dad on the other.  Where was I?  You guessed it, right in the middle!  I am not completely shy, but neither can I strike up a conversation with just anybody.  I find myself the mediator a lot.  Then there is my athleticism.  I am athletic enough to participate in most sports, but not enough to excel at any.  I have a fairly good singing voice, but you will never find me on the Billboard charts.  I am of average intelligence, height and weight.  Need I say more?

This mediocrity used to bother me.  But I have come to appreciate the middle.  I like balance.  It allows me to look at things more objectively.  I am tired of the two extreme opinions always fighting (the mediator in me I guess).  I can see truth on both sides.  They fight so strongly for their own side, even if they did see truth on the other, they generally wouldn't admit it or would find a way to turn it in their favor.  Ugh! 

This is especially disturbing in the church.  I realize the need to stand for truth and refute heresy, but often we are standing on our own sinking sand of opinion.  None of us can know 100 percent, nor do we need to defend God.  “Teacher,” said John, “we saw someone driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us.”   “Do not stop him,” Jesus said. “For no one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me,  for whoever is not against us is for us." (Mark 9:38-40)

I think if we spent more time seeking first God and then fulfilling the law of love, we would find the answers we seek.  But that is just my mediocre opinion...take it for what it is worth. ;)

Hair

I am not one to have the same hairstyle very long.  This I blame on my mother...and I am not just blaming here.  Take a look at our family album and you will think I had multiple mothers growing up!  I have continually gone from long to short and back to long again, even when it is long, I have to style it differently.  By now you are thinking, "who cares?".  And so you should.  What is hair any way, a covering, a way to distinguish in which decade the family photos were taken (all who grew up in the 80's know what I am talking about), or is it merely vanity?  Maybe it is a combination of all of those, but for me, today, it was so much more.

As I was styling my long tresses (that sound so much better than, "I was comin' my hair"), a spiritual application occurred to me.  Hair is spiritual?  Well, it can be...at least in its application.  God often has to use physical word pictures to make his point with me. ;)  Any way, back to the hair.  I realized that the guys in college were right, I do look better with long hair.  Who knew?!  I remember a particular time I was trying to decide whether to cut my hair or keep it long.  They all voted for long.  So, of course, I cut it off!

Why did I do that?  Sometimes I think I cut my hair off because I get tired of dealing with it.  I am so glad God does not grow tired or weary of us (Isaiah 40:28).  Sometimes it is because I want the same look another woman has.  Funny thing is, it never looks as good on me as it did on her.  That must be why God says to be content with who I am (Romans 9:20-21).  Sometimes I just do it for fun.  Pleasure isn't bad, but I should look to eternal things rather than fleeting earthly fancies (Psalm 16:11).  And I admit it, sometimes I just want to cause a stir.  Darn that old, rebellious nature. (Hebrews 3:8).  ;)

Just as the guys were right about my hair, God, in His infallible wisdom knows what is best for me.  He knows what joys and pains will develop the most beauty in my character.  However, just like I did then, I so often do now, I ask God's opinion, but inevitably do what I want any way.  Ouch!

Who knew fixing my hair would lead to meditating on God?  Hmmm.  So, is the moral of the story that I can never again cut my hair?  No.  That would be missing the point.  It isn't about the hair, it is about seeking God and actually obeying Him.  He created us and knows what is best and He gave us an instruction manual (The Bible) to follow.  " But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33) 

The Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)  "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." (1 Peter 3:3-4)  So here's to finding the right style of beauty for me...and I am not talking about my hair.

Which Comes First...Faith or Freedom?

This is not meant to be controversial, but it might.  I am okay with the fact that not everyone agrees with me.  I do ask that you consider what I say and remember that this is simply my musings.

It is my understanding that it is not policy that is ruining this country.  Policy is a result of thinking and thinking is a result of believing.  So it is the quality of the beliefs that will determine the quality of the policies.  So, when it comes to our freedoms, religious or otherwise, they are undermined, not by a lack of action, but by a lack of faith.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)  Though there is truth in this, it is not the whole truth.  This world is not based on the good and evil of humanity alone.  There is a spiritual element that must be taken into account.  And so, while we should not sit by and do nothing...I think what we need is more kneeling, rather than more standing.

God's people must return to their first love and act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with their God.  God must be returned to the "throne" of our hearts.  We must repent and seek first His kingdom, that His will would be done on earth as it is in heaven.   When we first love God with all our heart and then our neighbor, lives will change...then those lives will change the governments.

In Christ we are free no matter what creed the government holds to.  And what is temporary freedom on earth, if eternity will be spent in hell?  Faith, hope and love is what the world needs, and against such things there are no laws!  Praise Jesus!

The Reopening of Desire

 

As I write this, I am battling between being scared and excited.  Reopening this desire will not be safe; it has the potential to cut deeply.  Do I want to be this vulnerable? No!  But I can't seem to shake the compelling feeling that I must do this.  Why?  Only God knows.  And He is the only reason I can take this leap of faith, for I believe. 

But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
 When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

Isaiah 43:1-3

 

At the age of 30, 40 years old looked so far away; surely I would not have to wait that long.  But here I am.  Once again, I stand at the door and knock.  Once again I face my infertility head on.  This was not my plan.  It was not my plan to be unable to bear a child, it was not my plan to have a baby at 40, and it was not my plan to reopen the desire for a child.

 

You see, years ago I found contentment and gave up asking.  But now, the desire is stirring...maybe for the last time...maybe at the right time.  I don't pretend to know the thoughts of God or what he may want to accomplish in or through me, but I can hear Him calling.  Will I listen and follow?

 

It appears my trip to Mayo Clinic has had an effect beyond my bowels; an effect that goes straight to my heart.  I am not entirely surprised by this, for Ephesians 3:20-21 tells us that God "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen".

 

At Mayo God gave me a gastroenterologist who herself had struggled to conceive.  In her ability to empathize she suggested we see a reproductive endocrinologist.  At this point I cried.  Though we are doing some testing to see what my fertility picture looks like "at my age", I do not anticipate them solving my problem.  What seeing her did do, was reopen the proverbial can of worms.  God used it to uncover what was hidden and to help me understand what He has done for me.

 

I am more confident than ever that the contentment I have and the joy I feel in my life is real.  How can I say this when I just admitted thinking about my desire for a child brought me to tears?  Am I in denial?  I do not believe so.  Contentment is defined as 1) the state of being contented; satisfaction and 2) A source of satisfaction.  Contentment is not the absence of pain or suffering. As Paul shares in Philippians 4:12-13, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength."  He was content even in hard times.  How?  Christ.  It is Christ who is the source of our contentment. 

 

Again in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 Paul says, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  This is what I was finally able to put into words.  Contentment is not the absence or denial of pain, but hoping and trusting in someone greater than my pain.  When Isaiah prophesied about our coming Messiah, Jesus, he described him as one who would bear our grief and carry our sorrows (Isaiah 53:4).  That is what He does for me and why I can live each day in joy, but return to the full grief and sorrow if I choose to pick it up again.

 

God also revealed the reasons I stopped asking for a miracle...and there are several.  The first being, that I wrongly thought to glorify God and show His contentment and victory in my life I had to stop asking and appear strong.  I now realize that the two are not exclusive.  Asking does not mean distrust and it is not my strength that glorifies Him, it is His strength in my weakness.  Everyday I get up and enjoy life while still admitting my desire, I prove His strength, faithfulness and will. 

 

I should have seen this before.  I love sunrises and sunsets, and God has graciously placed me in a home where I get to witness His glorious sunrises on a daily basis.  Let me ask you this, which sunrises are the most beautiful, those on a clear morning or those where the sky is scattered with clouds?  The ones with clouds!  So it is in life.  The most beautiful moments in our lives, the ones that glorify God the most, are not the easy, free of hardship ones, but the ones scattered with pain and sorrow that allow God's light to come shining through in an array of colors. 

 

Have you ever seen an old house in need of repair?  One that has been beaten down by time and weather or just neglect?  It doesn't look like much, but then someone comes along to restore it.  A person who sees potential and has the skills to accomplish the task.  When the restoration is complete, it is gorgeous!  Amazing!  God sees the same potential in us and his Holy Spirit enables the transformation, so that we too can be a beautiful work of art! 

 

On to reason number two.  I quit asking because of pride.  Ugh!  Do I have to admit this?  Yes, yes I do.  I had moved to a new town and those people didn't know.  I could just be me and not an object of pity.   That is right, I stopped asking because I was tired of being pitied or at least that is what I perceived it to be.  Even when people mean well, it doesn't always come across well (but that is a lesson for another time). 

 

Reason number three can be labeled fear, but it really piggybacks on pride.  I was afraid of being wrong and appearing foolish.  If I kept praying and asking and believing (I once was sure God told me not yet) and it never happened, how would that look?  Surely God's reputation would be tarnished!  Right?  Or was I more worried about mine?  Isn't it better to be a fool for God than a fool of my own making?

 

So what if I am wrong?  What if God doesn't answer?  Does the world stop spinning?  Does God cease to be God?  These are all questions I had to ask myself.  And the answer I came up with is that God is the same yesterday, today and forever.  He is love and He is wisdom.  I can trust Him.  And he has been lovingly showing me that He doesn't fit into my box.  As God told us through the prophet Isaiah, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord."(Isaiah 55:8)  We too often get upset at God because He isn't doing what we think He should be doing in our given circumstance.  The problem lies not in God, but in our perception.   We put God in a square box and then try and fit him into a triangle shaped circumstance.  It won't work!  We need to put God back on the throne and fit our circumstances to Him.

 

And lastly, I began to doubt.  I was no longer sure of what I wanted.  Life is good, why mess it up?  Satan loves to use the what ifs.  How could I be sure?  I can't.  I am no closer to knowing the future than when I began this journey 13 years ago, but I am closer to the One who does.  He recently heard my cry and answered me, giving me the hope I so desperately needed; letting me know that He cares for even me.  I feel Him asking me to focus less on the end and more on the journey; less on me and more on Him.  No matter life's joys or sorrows, he is Sovereign, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters." (Romans 8:28-29)

 

So, where does all this leave me?  In the best possible place...at the mercy of my God and Savior!  "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)  And I have this "treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." (2 Corinthians 4:7-10)

 

I press on to win the prize (Philippians 3:14) and offer my body as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1-2).  I keep thinking of Abraham and Sarah.  Nothing is too hard for God.  And so, I ask you to join me in believing and praying that God will heal my womb and bring forth a child and that many thanks will be given to Him.  But as my Lord taught with the example of his life, "yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)  I trust his wisdom and will accept His answer.  I can do this only because I am confident that His love is better than life and I will one day receive my reward, even as I walk in His presence now, through His Holy Spirit who enables me to stand on the heights.

 

 Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior. 

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

Habakkuk 3:17-19